Help Wanted

The Democratic Party seeks a wildly optimistic individual to oversee a national jobs-creation program.

Wanted: National Jobs Czar
Employer: The Democratic Party
Job Type: Crisis Management/Complex Mathematics/Mental Health Professional
Start Date: Now. Like, Right Now.
Description: The Democratic Party seeks a wildly optimistic individual to oversee a national jobs-creation program. Jobs can be real, or not, so long as the public thinks the party is "doing something." The National Jobs Creator will have at his disposal Congress to pass new "jobs legislation" (aka The It-Is-Not-Another-Stimulus Act of 2009).
The NJC will oversee a dynamic team whose side responsibilities include selling this to the public and saving our behinds in next year's election. This is a potential career status position.
Minimum Qualifications:
• Masters Degree from an accredited program in communications/spin. Candidate must be able to explain to the public why "new jobs legislation" is necessary despite assurances the "old jobs legislation"—a $787 billion "stimulus"—is working. Applicant must demonstrate ability to explain why, despite a global recession, we continued socializing health care, and only just noticed that, wow, Houston, we have a problem. (Candidate might consider researching McDonnell, Bob, Gov.-elect of Virginia, who just kicked us in an election and did it talking about "jobs." That got us wondering.)

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Chad Crowe 

 

Candidate must explain the "new jobs legislation" to a wary public. Candidate must clarify how extending unemployment benefits will create jobs; how extending health insurance for the unemployed will create jobs; how taxing financial transactions to pay for this will create jobs. Candidate is responsible for immediately restoring party credibility on this issue, despite all past failed Keynesian spending and, let's be honest, some (holy moly!) embarrassing stimulus "job counting."

• Ph.D. in imaginary numbers: Candidate must demonstrate a better ability than those currently in charge to translate past stimulus pork into current countable jobs. Applicant must show working knowledge of fictitious congressional districts. (Example of interview question: Show how, using the white board and string theory, an $890 shoe order creates nine new jobs.) Candidate must be able to dismantle audits showing the White House's 640,000 "saved or created" jobs are as real as the Easter Bunny. These skills will also prove necessary in outlining the benefits of "new jobs legislation." Candidate must be able to explain, numerically and cosmically, why 10.2% unemployment is no different than the 8% ceiling we promised.
• Expert knowledge of "the deficit," a $1.4 trillion concept we like to describe as "investing in the future." When the White House says it will apply unused TARP money to pay down the deficit, and Congress says it will use unused TARP money to help fund a "new jobs program," candidate must make both true at the same time.
Candidate is required to conduct hourly meetings with Blue Dogs who, after that health-care vote, are so freaking out just because we are asking them to also charge a Medicare doctor fix, a highway bill, and possibly our "new jobs legislation" to the federal credit card. Candidate must explain to Blue Dogs they lost their reputation years ago.
• Significant understanding of the concept of "saved or created jobs." The party is aware no legitimate economics department recognizes this theory, so we do not require a degree. Candidate must explain to public that it is just not true that no part of the country has seen job creation. The federal government has hired at least 25,000 new employees since January.
• Profound people skills. Candidate must be able to walk into a circular firing squad and calm volatile personalities that range from panicked to uncorked to dazed.
Example 1: When a Wisconsin congressman (who wrote the stimulus bill) loses his cool because the administration came up with this "jobs saved or created" thingy and is now making said congressman look bad with its "job" counts, the candidate must say, "There, there; 40 years is longer than most people get to serve in the House."
Example 2: When a vice president pops off that the stimulus is working "better" than we "expected," candidate must pack No. 2 off to a golf course.
Example 3: When the White House director of "stimulus" communications becomes so frazzled by bogus job numbers that he responds to the press: "Who knows, man? Who really knows?" candidate must re-hire.
Disqualifications: Candidates with an interest in pro-growth policies, or a desire to provide certainty to investors, consumers or the business community. Candidates who believe the private sector creates jobs.
Salary: The balance of the "quick hit" $787 billion stimulus or the balance of last year's "temporary" TARP program—whichever is greater in 2050. Subject to approval by pay czar Ken Feinberg.
To Apply: Electronic submissions preferred (our phones are a bit busy). Résumé required. Letters of recommendation encouraged from Jimmy Carter, Paul Krugman, or the dude who oversaw Japan's "Lost Decade."
Write to kim@wsj.com